If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
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Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play