my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
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This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.