There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
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*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane