My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
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[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
That’s amazing.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.