[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
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(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️