My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
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How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Lmao 🤣
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
What do you hear?
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.