Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
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My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled