I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
You Might Also Like
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
💯😂
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.