Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
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Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Cartman: Respect my
a a
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Weirdos gonna weird.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM