Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
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Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper