When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
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Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.