Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
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After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate