Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
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being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.