Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
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Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet