Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
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Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
reviewed some movies recently
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
I just ran a .003048K
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
For the ones in the back.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board