It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
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“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.