One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
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I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you