boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
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Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist