My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
You Might Also Like
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
I really had high hopes for this year though
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
What about a To-Don’t List?
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.