Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
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Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*