Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
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There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.