If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
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Where’s my employee discount too?
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Geez man, take it easy.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.