PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
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Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Just parrot things
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
How do you like your Corgi?
the pigeons are already plenty salty
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What