Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
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Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks