My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
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Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out