Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
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I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Employees must applaud the planets.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.