Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
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[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!