Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
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[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2