Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
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People who complain about parties must not like free food.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Got him!
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.