Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
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If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.