Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
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Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
This classic never gets old . . .
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.