I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
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FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.