Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
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Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Is this you?
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Each second of this is more amazing than the last