Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
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🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO