*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
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crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.