(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
You Might Also Like
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
School be like