Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
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me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….