My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
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just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
I want this so bad
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name