I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
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Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins