My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
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Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
There’s only one good girl here!
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?