My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
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Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.