“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
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[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school