Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
You Might Also Like
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Friday
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead