[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
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Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
termite twitter scares me
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”