I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
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*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Who did it better?
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.