Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
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*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Cinematography is my passion
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
He took my last fry, your honor
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you