Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
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[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
I’m sure it’s fine.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
uh oh
I hope google does well on my son’s test