The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
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They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
*seductively eats two tums*
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.