Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
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With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
S/o to @funTweeters .
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Just as the prophecy foretold
Has science gone too far?
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Day 2 of my diet
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.