ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
You Might Also Like
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”